kinky disability: emotional instability, sub space and sub drop

Tags

BDSM, kink, mental health, mental illness, neurodiversity, relationships, safety, self acceptance

note: i won’t be talking about dom space/drop, largely because i can’t remember how it feels or how it affected me, as it was a long time ago. my experiences with sub space are much more recent.

i don’t typically talk about my emotional instability. partially because it’s not typically present and thus doesn’t affect the majority of my life and functionality. part of it is dependent on stress, other parts dependent on medication and menstruation. but when it is present, it can leave serious impacts on my relationships with people, how i interact with people, how i respond to the world and my overall functionality. for this reason i do not consider myself emovtypical, even though the majority of the time my emotions lie in a range that society deems typical, i do have episodes where my emotional instability flares and impacts my functionality and ability to interact with the world. i consider it a part of my mental illness, as schizophrenia is associated with emotional instability, and schizotypy impacts both schizophrenic and schizotypal individuals, just in varying degrees or intensities.

of course, the other reason why i don’t like to talk about it is partially out of shame, feeling ashamed of its impact on my functionality, feeling ashamed of the things it results in, how much i can change during such moments and how badly it can impact my relationships with people – and myself. i suspect that there is a reason why i was originally diagnosed with depression – while i don’t consider it an accurate diagnosis, the people that were making that judgment and being in control of my care at the time did not know of the complexities of my mind and its relation to schizotypy, and likely the complexities of schizotypy itself. it is a vast and complicated subject, with many intersections and many misconceptions. neurology is tricky and complex, and not something many know about or understand without professional experience and education with the matter.

all of this probably doesn’t seem like an appropriate precursor to conversation about sub space and sub drop, but it is. because many folks with submissive tendencies [1] such as myself are neuroatypical and/or emovatypical, and mental disabilities have just as much of an impact on kink activities as physical disabilities do. sub space and sub drop are highly intense examples of this.

i read an article at leather and roses at one point about the connections between sub space and dissociation (note: i cannot vouch for the expertise of the individual writing the article). while i’m unsure of the specifics of their connection, due to my intimate experience with dissociation, i immediately understood the reasoning for relating the two, and can relate to descriptions and similarities as i enter sub space.

sub space, for those who do not know, is a state of mind where a person with submissive tendencies feels the world around them fade away, and the only things that seem to exist are them and the person(s) that they are submitting to. i would liken it to a moment where no desires exist other than to serve, and when one feels like they will go to any means necessary in order to serve in a way asked of them. it is a highly intense moment, rife with pleasure and emotion, a combination of contentment and a lack of anything all at once.

the point here is that while it can be one of the most enjoyable moments of the individual’s kink experiences, one that is frequently sought after or yearned for (even if not actively seeking it), it can also be very dangerous if taken advantage of by an outside source or if not taken care of properly during and after the scene. this is even more important for those of us who are emovatypical, because the emotional peaks can reach incredible levels (think of mania – and then multiply it several times) and then drop rapidly to incredible lows and possibly severe depression. it is a roller coaster of emotion and mental intensity and because of its direct relationship to the individuals in the scene, the scene itself and any instances where it can have an impact outside of these moments (such as 24/7 power exchange lifestyles), must be addressed with utmost care in order to bring the submissive down from high peaks at a careful, steady and controllable pace to help prevent emotional spiraling.

a few suggestions i have from personal experience:

note: do not take these word for word, as everyone is different and thus their responses to scenes, sub space/drop and emotions will be different. all examples are just that, examples, meant to get a person thinking about individual experiences and responses, and thus ideas that will best suit them and their given experiences.

before a scene:

• plan scenes ahead of time in order to adequately prepare for possible circumstances; do not just go into the moment head-first (pun not intended >>) when dealing with mental and emotional complexities because it can leave one caught off-guard should something go off-kilter
• prepare soothing or comforting things for each individual involved for easy access after the scene (or possibly during, depending on circumstance), such as calming scents or hot water ready for a favorite kind of tea.
• plan out ahead of time how individuals participating should respond in given situations such as flashbacks or sudden changes in emotion
• if preferable, only do scenes with people one knows and trusts, and thus individuals who are more likely to know how to respond to unexpected emotional changes (i say if preferable because some individuals may feel comfortable with doing scenes with people they don’t know as well based on rational confidence with their emotional stability, which is perfectly valid)
• if possible, try to keep scenes confined to where the people involved feel both comfortable and familiar
• for subs: if one has prior experience with sub space/drop and how it affects them, take into consideration these effects and behaviors or mindsets that can have notable impact or possible hazardous results (personal example: i dissociate heavily while in sub space, making me less aware of hazardous surroundings, esp. in regards to my physical disabilities. i can also find myself in a mindset where i will be willing to serve even in ways that are triggering for me due to past trauma, thus making me more prone to flashbacks and panic attacks if i pull out of sub space suddenly and realize this connection. i also have a tendency to strip completely, which may not exactly be a viable option depending on things like weather or environment). if possible, let others involved aware of these possibilities in case they need to respond or intervene.

during a scene:

• have options for emergency outs such as safe words/signals, red light/green light (pay close attention to yellow if brought up, as this can be a major flag), or objects at hand to drop, tug or ring at necessary stop or warning points such as a ball or a small bell
• periodically ask for input of the other people involved regarding their overall mental state, to know whether to keep going, to be cautious or to end the scene
• pay attention to possible warning signals or behavioral changes that may indicate a change in mental state in the individuals involved (this tends to be easier with people that know each other well, as every person’s body language and trigger signals are different)
• if someone is in sub space, do not take full advantage of this in hazardous ways. this includes having them submit or serve in dangerous ways or ways that could trigger them, esp. if warning signs have been present prior.

after a scene:

• make use of things that people involved find comforting (some of which can be prepared ahead of time) in order to help bring oneself into a state of calm and contentment
• if applicable, remind the people involved of how one cares about or loves one another to help avoid feelings of loneliness or abandonment that can lead to sub/dom drop
• cuddles and snuggles can be totally awesome here, and help give a feeling of comfort and reminder of care
• do not just stop abruptly and move on to doing something else – this can very easily lead to sub/dom drop as no aftercare is aiding in coming down from the intensity of one’s mental state and the scene itself

but the most important thing i can say is be aware. pay mind to everything around you, both one’s surroundings and the language and behaviors of the people involved. otherwise one can miss important cues that can result in emotional episodes, and they can be harder to respond to. and pay mind to the people’s responses to various things, both during the scene and not, in case one needs to change how they react to episodes or emergencies in case they occur. try to stay calm if possible, try to avoid panic if possible, and remember that people are people that need to be treated with respect, and that everyone is different and has their own struggles to face and what helps with them. they are still the same people you knew before, and being emovatypical is a part of who they are – respect this and treat them that way. and recognize that it’s not a matter of them just being overemotional or oversensitive. it is who they are, an intricate part of their being, and thus a part of their overall wellbeing. they just happen to have kink and subby tendencies to go with it :)

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1. the reasoning for this wording is because i do not feel as if sub or dom space are specific to those who identify strictly as submissive or dominant, and thus that they can be experienced by anyone who identifies with submissive or dominant periods such as switches.

Kinky Disability: Finding My Limits

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, personal, safety, sexuality

I haven’t written for this series in a while. Things have been…. I’m not sure what the word for it would be. Progressing, as I move forward with proper treatment for my disabilities and yet in a sense, disheartening as I learn throughout the days that the things I greatly enjoy may not be things I can continue doing. A trip to the osteopath to fix my ribs after they’ve been shifted out of place for years and for the third time within the past 12 is what hammered this in for good. Simply because due to my current inability to exercise without high levels of pain and fatigue, even stretching can cause shifting of things that ought not to be shifted – the muscles and tendons around my joints are that weak.

Originally I was going to write at some point about learning how to explore rope play and other forms of restriction when dealing with joint conditions as I traveled forward through that path. But now it’s coming to show that this simply isn’t workable for me. It’s too dangerous, too high a risk of further injury.

Instead, throughout the years as I come to terms with the other things in life that I have to adjust and become used to due to better awareness of my limits, I need to extend that coming to terms with my sex life and being kink. It’ll be hard, but it’s a journey. It’s still a part of who I am and there are things that are viable for me, it’s just a matter of learning what those are and accepting them.

Everyone Is Welcome, Unless You’re That Uppity Mentally Ill Person

Tags

ableism, disability, disability erasure, gaming, mental health, mental illness, neurodiversity, safety

Note: This post talks extensively about the history of slurs and stereotypes regarding mental illness, which may be triggering. It also includes discussion of abuse related to them.

Certain things I have elected not to link to, such as the game and article in question. This is done on purpose, to help avoid further triggering content.

Yes, long title. My apologies.

I was going through my RSS reader the other day when I decided to burn through the gaming articles that had piled up, when I came across one of the most recent accessibility reviews available on AbleGamers, a site geared toward community, discussion and news regarding disability and gaming. I love accessibility reviews, especially for games because that lets me know which ones (especially if they’re hyped up) to avoid because I simply wouldn’t be able to put my money’s worth into it. But that love becomes a little strained when the reviews come with a side dish of othering and demonization.

See, there’s a flash game that was published earlier this month called I Am An Insane Rogue AI. The premise is that you’re now a rogue AI that’s gone evilly insane and seeks to take over the world. Where have we heard that before?

Oh yeah. Practically everywhere.

And that’s where the issue starts. There’s an incredibly common trend where people or beings who are portrayed as ‘evil’ are also portrayed as ‘insane’. This insanity is based on various stereotypical behaviors and thought patterns such as irrationality, random bouts of violence and a lack of or highly questionable morals. This concept is older than people realize – the term ‘insane’ is derived from ‘insanus’, a Latin term that breaks down to ‘not well/healthy/sane’. Hell, we can get a general idea of how old it is just based on the fact that it was used consistently in Captivi, a comedy written by Titus Maccius Plautus. In the play, in attempts to convince one of the main characters (Heigo) that another is not to be believed (Aristophontes), a third character (Tyndarus) tries to claim that Aristophontes chased around his own parents with a spear during one of his ‘fits’. We’re talking a stereotype associated with violence, one of the many characteristics used to portray ‘evil’ in plots when accompanied with insanity, that dates back to at least 184 B.C. [1] That’s really old.

These stereotypes are all that societies had to estimate whether one was ‘sane’ or not because it wasn’t until recent centuries that we started to develop an idea of what mental illness actually is. Psychology is a very young field. And even with the presence of psychology and a general gaining of awareness in societies, these stereotypes still thrive because that’s what people are used to. It’s been ingrained through methods like media that such traits are related to a someone or something’s lack of sanity, even if the traits have nothing in common with known mental illnesses. And of course, that feeds into the development of more plots doing the exact same thing, because we write things based on what we know. Ideas come from what is around us and what is within us, especially if those things continue to go unchallenged.

In a world where we’re starting to develop more of an understanding of what mental illness is and why these behaviors and thought patterns occur, the terms insane and crazy associated with it have become slurs. Specifically because they reinforce negative stereotypes and take away from the development of awareness regarding the very stereotypes they are reinforcing. These stereotypes, and indeed, the terms attached to them, are and have been for some time systematically used to attack, ridicule, confine and take away the integrity of people they’re being attached to. They are used to demonize people, even if they themselves are not mentally ill, because that’s how things have been for so long. It’s the entire reason why the terms have come to mean things like ‘irrational’, ‘absurd’, ‘askew’, ‘obsessed’, ‘eccentric’ and ‘extreme’, just to name a few. And I can say this with certainty, as I am one of several people who have been subjected to abuse from this perception in society, simply because I was perceived as different from others, even long before any diagnosis was established. And yes, that stereotype of violence was included – I became the first suspect of high school bomb threats when they were called in, despite the fact that I’m not a violent individual. But the people around me decided that I was simply because they viewed me as crazy and insane.

Now, for me, gaming is one of my safe spaces to get away from the onslaught of these stereotypes in every aspect of the world around me. Sometimes it doesn’t work too well, when those stereotypes make their way into my releases [2], but for the most part I’m able to get around it and absorb myself into the game outside of those factors. It’s harder to do that within a community, as those communities involve people who can actively reinforce them instead of passively like games do. It becomes even harder when it comes from a community that one, deals with disability (of which mental illness can be considered [3]); two, claims ‘everyone is welcome’ in that space [4]; and three, really should know better, or at the very least, be more open to discussion about why certain things are problems when it comes to reinforcing negative stereotypes of disability.

This is what I was expecting when I tried to point out how the review of the game (not just the game itself) was contributing to this problem. What I found was the complete opposite – instead, it was a matter of political correctness, misconstruing words and a whole ton of ‘no, the word does apply because that’s how it’s used’. What’s more, apparently safety isn’t a matter of accessibility (or should I say ‘offense’) because accessibility is about being able to physically play the game, not whether or not you feel triggered or elements of the game can worsen one’s mental state. I’m sorry, is that a hierarchy of disability I’m seeing?

So, ironically enough, not only did the review tell me about a game that I cannot play due to the fact that it triggers me (though this was never mentioned, just shown), but I also learned that the very community telling me about this game is unsafe because it in turn is triggering, and the people within don’t seem to care about this fact. Because accessibility isn’t about one’s mental state, it’s about one’s physical state. Which is hardly welcoming to all, as it erases those who are mentally disabled and pushes their needs aside. I learned a very important lesson in ableism within the disabled community – something I’ve known exists, but haven’t experienced myself until now. I also learned that nonbinary trans folk aren’t necessarily welcome, as my request to not be referred to by Miss or Mr. never got through comment screening. Hm.

An interesting thing to note, though: Border House reviewed the exact same game, and while it wasn’t an accessibility review, they still managed to address the actual issue behind the stereotype of ‘insanity + evil’ and how yes, actually, it is ableist (or disablist). So thank you to the authors at Border House for taking this opportunity where they could have gone with the cycle and instead turning it around and deconstructing it, letting people know that hey, that shit ain’t cool.

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1. If we go by the estimated year of Plautus’ death, as I can’t find an estimated year of the creation of Captivi.
2. I’m looking at you, Plants vs. Zombies, with your god damn twitching straight-jacket Jack-in-a-Box zombie.
3. Americans with Disabilities Act (amended 2008), Section 12102
4. Border House: Interview with Mark Barlet of AbleGamers.com

Kinky Disability: It’s Okay To Be Kink

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, safety, self acceptance

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a little while now, but haven’t had something to give me enough drive to get me started. As it is National Invisible Illness Awareness Week in the United States, it has given me the drive I need.

Kinky Disability is the start of a new series about the intersections of being kinky while disabled, offering support and safety advice for those with physical or mental health concerns not typically addressed by the BDSM community. This series is open to guest posts to talk about all sorts of disabilities, concerns and workarounds for various kinky activities as well as personal stories and experiences. If you are interested in contributing, feel free to shoot me an email at staticnonsense at live dot com.

I started to get involved with the BDSM community around the same time as I was exploring and beginning to understand more about myself, including the vast diversity of physical and mental health issues that would have to be taken into consideration when participating in scenes, interactions with other kinksters, accessibility to play parties, gatherings, munches…

As I delved deeper and deeper trying to find resources for such things, I found shockingly little. But it’s still a common concern, as I and many others have gotten together and talked about the various possible risks and workarounds amongst each other. Largely because we had to – there were so few resources available to address our concerns and questions that we had to turn to each other. Which can contribute to a more close knit local community, but this leaves such answers inaccessible to everyone outside of that local community, and inaccessible to anyone who cannot get together in such a way.

But what bothered me even more was why there is so little available resources to kinksters with disabilities. An overall lack of support from the BDSM community.

BDSM is risky. There’s a lot of opportunity for things to go wrong, and safety is a huge factor as a result. Conferences and lectures are held around the world talking about the safety concerns of various practices within BDSM. And frequently because of this focus on safety, the idea becomes that if one is disabled and has major health concerns, physical or mental, it becomes even riskier. Too risky, leaving many of us in the dust simply because of aspects of who we are.

Here’s the thing. It’s okay to be kinky.

Even if you have disabilities or chronic illness or past trauma, it’s okay.

People may tell you that it’s too dangerous. Or that you can’t make rational decisions. Or that you’re too unstable.

The fact of the matter is, they say this because in truth they do not know. They don’t know what to say, what to think, what to feel, what to offer you for information or support. It’s a huge grey area for many, and they don’t know how to address it. So they just pass over it instead of admitting this fact.

But the thing about disability is that the person that knows your mind, body and functionality best is you. You know the risks for yourself, what you can and cannot do, whereas others can only guess and speculate.

It’s okay to be kink. It’s okay to be sexual. In a world with disability, everything we do requires extra care and consideration for how it must be done in order for our safety and well-being. Why be in denial of a part of ourselves that requires the same thing as everything else we do? Like so many other things, there are workarounds, innovation, creative thinking and self-awareness. All it takes is application of this. You don’t have to shut it out in yourself, and you don’t have to listen to others insisting you do or shutting you out themselves.

Because at the end of the day, despite all hardships, we’re still disabled and kinky. And that’s okay.

I Am Not: Dead

Tags

disability, general isms, I Am Not, privilege, safety, work

Sometimes ableism, classism, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia or any other -ism or -phobia isn’t about what you do. Sometimes it’s about what you don’t do.

When I was at work today, I had a medical emergency. Despite having eaten just minutes before leaving home, I had a blood sugar crash. While I’m not diabetic, these are still a very real risk for me and have been for pretty much all of my working years.

Blood sugar crashes (also known as hypoglycemia or low blood sugar) are when your body’s supply of glucose is low. This is incredibly dangerous if your glucose levels are too low because your brain and other vital organs depend on it to function. And when the low levels of glucose starts to affect your brain, you can pass out, have seizures, go into a coma – or worse. All of these are even more dangerous if you’re in environments that can cause you physical harm should they occur, be it falling off a ladder or crashing a car.

Having already reached a state of confusion, a sign that the brain is starting to malfunction due to the low levels of glucose in my system, I started to forget some of the emergency procedures I do or which ones were most effective. It took me a few minutes to remember to locate a source of protein to help with substinace after I finished with my emergency routines, and to find juice. Even then, I forgot that orange juice is one of the best ones to help treat low blood sugar.

When I got to the checkout with a bag of salted cashews and a bottle of apple juice, I mentioned to the manager that was on shift that they might help me pull through for the rest of my shift. A lady standing next to me overheard the conversation we were having, and told me that orange juice would be more effective than the apple juice I brought with me.

Ordinarily I would find this highly invasive. She assumed she had a right to enter a conversation between me and someone else, a coworker no less, about my medical issues. Combined with the assumption that she had the right to make unsolicited suggestions, this situation would appear highly ableist.

But when you’re dealing with a medical emergency and you know information that can help? These actions can save a life.

This woman had multiple friends that were diabetic and have dealt with low blood sugar. From this experience, her suggestion to me helped me remember despite my ever-growing state of confusion. I had completely forgotten that we even sold it, despite having sold it to one of my customers just earlier in the day. After thanking her, I stumbled my way to the back of the store where the coolers were and picked up a carton of orange juice.

The interesting thing about this experience is that this typically invasive action happened not just once, but twice. Later, after I had bought the orange juice and I was eating some of the cashews, an older gentleman that I passed in the aisles just earlier handed me a piece of Werther’s Original hard butterscotch candy that he had just purchased. Small amounts of sugar, such as what is in a piece of candy, can help bring low blood sugar out of the danger zones so you can treat it more effectively.

It is very possible that the actions of these two people saved my life tonight. The snow from a storm that started earlier was still piling onto the roads, which hadn’t been plowed. My car doesn’t have snow tires. And while I’m usually a very safe winter driver, my ability to comprehend what I was doing was severely impacted and I was experiencing tremors. Tunnel vision had already started, which alerts me that I’m starting to reach the point of passing out. If I had passed out while driving in the brutal winter snow, I could have gotten into a fatal car crash.

But I didn’t. I’m alive. My partner drove me home from work, where I was able to eat dinner, start to relax and properly monitor myself. I was in a safe location with someone that knew how to respond to my specific medical needs, who has experience with seizures should I crash further, and knew when to call 911 if it was necessary.

All of this because of the seemingly invasive actions of two individuals on the sidelines.

Sometimes when you’re out and about, doing things you typically do, in areas that are typically uneventful, you find yourself as an audience of an emergency situation. This could be anything: a rape or robbery of someone perceived as “the weaker sex”;  an assault on someone for being (or thought to be) transgender, of a different or particular sexuality, or a different or particular ethnicity; the destruction or sabotage of a place of shelter for someone homeless or of a lower class. What is an incredibly common response to such atrocities?

To ignore it and walk away, acting as if you had never witnessed it.

In these cases, the most dangerous thing someone can do is not act. But often, that’s exactly what happens. People think to themselves “someone else will call the cops” or “someone else will help” or worse – “This isn’t my life, I have more important things to focus on.”

The ultimate in privileged thinking. That the safety of others, that stopping the cycle of prejudice, ignorance and persecution in one situation is less important than whatever’s on your mind.

Not acting in situations like these are exactly why the cycles of prejudice, ignorance and persecution continue. They are exactly why ableism, classism, raceism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, or any other -isms and -phobias continue to thrive as they strangle people. Assault people. Kill people. People like you, your siblings, your parents, your neighbors, your coworkers, or your cashiers.

We can work to stop these atrocities on people. So why do so many walk away?

Because they “have more important things to focus on”.

I have an important thing to focus on, too. I’m focusing on giving you a clue.

Because thanks to the actions of fellow people, I’m not dead.