Dating, Disabilities, and D/s: Well, why the fuck not?

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, power exchange, relationships

this is a guest post for Kinky Disability written by my Dom and fiancé. He is very new to kink and power exchange, esp when learning about and dealing with disabilities, and i wanted to include that in this series bc of the unique position and perspectives that such a path brings. bc while self-care within the kink community and bdsm practices is important, so is the support and understanding of our loved ones and peers. as the community is full of ableism, learning Doms frequently don’t learn about the limitations that a partner with disabilities may have, and thus have little to no understanding of how to approach it should such a time come. our partners (be they in kink activity, romantic, etc) need to be able to grow and learn with us if our community is to grow and thrive, esp in regards to inclusion of people with disabilities and combating ableism.

I’m able bodied, sane, and in a position of privilege, and I’m also in a Dominant/submissive relationship with my beloved fiancée, who is disabled. I’m rather new to the relationship, and in fact, I’m new to the concept of privilege. My fiancée is the person who explained the principles behind ableism and privilege to me. We are now in a sort of pseudo-D/s relationship. I use the pseudo prefix because I am not familiar with the ideas of D/s. My fiancée is slowly explaining the concepts and fundamentals of a proper and successful D/s relationship. Ours is a relationship of learning and progression. I will not lie or even attempt to lie and say that I know everything there is to keep my relationship healthy and successful. I am, however, doing my best to keep them happy and give them peace of mind.

It’s not much a guest post unless the guest is thoroughly established and proven to be credible. I am no expert on psychological or physical illnesses. I am not learned on D/s relationships or fundamentals. In fact, I just learned about ableism no more than a year ago. It would be foolish of me to say that I know everything there is to know about privilege and D/s. I will say, however, that I know enough to be able to analyze and understand my own faults. I will admit that it is difficult at times to catch my own ableism, and I still, sometimes, say things that can trigger people. However, I’d like to think that I learn from the mistakes that I do not catch. Then again, assuming anything about yourself in a positive or self-boasting manner is often, if not always, seen as arrogant and pretentious. I do try to correct myself, though.

I was – and probably to some degree still am – ableist. I started dating my beloved long before I knew about the degree or severity of their disability. I knew of a few things, but I did not know of nor did I bother to ask how they affected their life and daily routine. As we came close, we struggled from time to time because I continuously attempted to solve my beloved’s disability and problems with logic and calculations; I was trying to quantitatively measure my beloved’s mental and physical disabilities. Needless to say, I drew them to tears at one point, and as I think back about it, I am stricken with shame as I write this. For a moment, just a moment – a fraction of the quickest second, I felt my hands tremble. It wasn’t a lot; my beloved and I did not argue a lot, but the arguments we did have were rather intense and frustrating for me because of my limited perspectives. I must admit, looking back upon the arguments, that they, in a way, taught me more and more about ableism; you see, we started arguing at first, and during those arguments, they would counter me with different ideas and concepts that were alien to me. I found that I had little to fall back on in terms of rebuttal except for moot points and technicalities, which do not work outside of patents and the courts. At that point, I thought to myself that if I’ve nothing to counter my beloved’s counter, then I’m either incredibly untalented at arguments and debates or, just perhaps, my beloved had a point and I should listen instead of argue. So, I did. In fact, I started listening a lot more after I read something my beloved wrote to me. The idea was and still is simply fascinating to me and serves as the governing theme to all my current thought patterns; “The number of trees in a forest need not matter. All that matters is that there is a forest, beautiful and ever growing, ever changing.” That’s when I realized the new perspective my beloved was instilling into me. I had been, and to some extent still am, too fixated and focused on the definitions and criteria of what is or is not a disease and what is or is not a legitimate argument either for or against a possible cure and/or remedy. I was dedicating myself to trying to tell my beloved what they probably have already heard a 1,000 times before me. In essence, my beloved’s little quote is a monumental influence on how I look at all situations now; while we cannot forsake the governing dynamics and fundamental roots, focusing too heavily on the tiny details takes away from an entity as whole. Thus far, dating my beloved is more than just a humbling experience; my fiancée may have well given me a leg-up at getting into law school.

Now, about the whole D/s relationship, I’m new to that, too. From what I have gathered and learned from my loving fiancée, it is about an exchange of trust wherein both partners act within their own and their partner’s limitations in order to demonstrate a sort of emotional hierarchy. Though, hierarchy may not be the best word. D/s seems to be about exchanging services between partners to satisfy the need to feel either dominant or submissive. I didn’t actually have a need or desire to feel dominant, and truth be told, I still don’t feel an actual need, desire, and yearning to be dominant. I do, however, feel a need to satisfy my partner, and they’re satisfied by feeling submissive. Thus, I guess you could say I desire to be dominant because I desire to satisfy my partner who desires to be submissive. I’d be lying, though, if I said I’m not developing some forms of dominant mannerism. As to the type and degree of dominance I’m developing, I’m keeping that private.

I’m in two situations; I’m dating a disabled person; and I’m in a D/s relationship. When it comes to being the Dominant to my beloved, I have to keep in mind of their disabilities. There are physical disabilities that make certain situations difficult if not impossible. Then, there are certain concepts and ideas that may prove to be very mentally traumatizing. However, dating a disabled person does not mean you focus on their disabilities; that’s not different than dating a non-disabled person and focusing on their faults or features that trigger your pet-peeves. That also isn’t to say, however, that dating a disabled person is exactly like dating a non-disabled person. As I said, I do not focus on their disabilities, but I do have to keep them in mind when we’re going on about our daily lives. My partner does not need special attention, my partner needs me to simply notice, learn, and pay attention to their needs. Most of the time, a simple kiss, cuddle, and snuggle will go a long, long way.

I’m not an expert on disabilities, and I’m still ableist in some situations. I even make my own partner feel uncomfortable sometimes, but I’m still learning. I do everything I can to make my partner happy. They submit to me, and in turn, I am given the privilege and responsibility of making my beloved partner happy, safe, and loved.

kinky disability: emotional instability, sub space and sub drop

Tags

BDSM, kink, mental health, mental illness, neurodiversity, relationships, safety, self acceptance

note: i won’t be talking about dom space/drop, largely because i can’t remember how it feels or how it affected me, as it was a long time ago. my experiences with sub space are much more recent.

i don’t typically talk about my emotional instability. partially because it’s not typically present and thus doesn’t affect the majority of my life and functionality. part of it is dependent on stress, other parts dependent on medication and menstruation. but when it is present, it can leave serious impacts on my relationships with people, how i interact with people, how i respond to the world and my overall functionality. for this reason i do not consider myself emovtypical, even though the majority of the time my emotions lie in a range that society deems typical, i do have episodes where my emotional instability flares and impacts my functionality and ability to interact with the world. i consider it a part of my mental illness, as schizophrenia is associated with emotional instability, and schizotypy impacts both schizophrenic and schizotypal individuals, just in varying degrees or intensities.

of course, the other reason why i don’t like to talk about it is partially out of shame, feeling ashamed of its impact on my functionality, feeling ashamed of the things it results in, how much i can change during such moments and how badly it can impact my relationships with people – and myself. i suspect that there is a reason why i was originally diagnosed with depression – while i don’t consider it an accurate diagnosis, the people that were making that judgment and being in control of my care at the time did not know of the complexities of my mind and its relation to schizotypy, and likely the complexities of schizotypy itself. it is a vast and complicated subject, with many intersections and many misconceptions. neurology is tricky and complex, and not something many know about or understand without professional experience and education with the matter.

all of this probably doesn’t seem like an appropriate precursor to conversation about sub space and sub drop, but it is. because many folks with submissive tendencies [1] such as myself are neuroatypical and/or emovatypical, and mental disabilities have just as much of an impact on kink activities as physical disabilities do. sub space and sub drop are highly intense examples of this.

i read an article at leather and roses at one point about the connections between sub space and dissociation (note: i cannot vouch for the expertise of the individual writing the article). while i’m unsure of the specifics of their connection, due to my intimate experience with dissociation, i immediately understood the reasoning for relating the two, and can relate to descriptions and similarities as i enter sub space.

sub space, for those who do not know, is a state of mind where a person with submissive tendencies feels the world around them fade away, and the only things that seem to exist are them and the person(s) that they are submitting to. i would liken it to a moment where no desires exist other than to serve, and when one feels like they will go to any means necessary in order to serve in a way asked of them. it is a highly intense moment, rife with pleasure and emotion, a combination of contentment and a lack of anything all at once.

the point here is that while it can be one of the most enjoyable moments of the individual’s kink experiences, one that is frequently sought after or yearned for (even if not actively seeking it), it can also be very dangerous if taken advantage of by an outside source or if not taken care of properly during and after the scene. this is even more important for those of us who are emovatypical, because the emotional peaks can reach incredible levels (think of mania – and then multiply it several times) and then drop rapidly to incredible lows and possibly severe depression. it is a roller coaster of emotion and mental intensity and because of its direct relationship to the individuals in the scene, the scene itself and any instances where it can have an impact outside of these moments (such as 24/7 power exchange lifestyles), must be addressed with utmost care in order to bring the submissive down from high peaks at a careful, steady and controllable pace to help prevent emotional spiraling.

a few suggestions i have from personal experience:

note: do not take these word for word, as everyone is different and thus their responses to scenes, sub space/drop and emotions will be different. all examples are just that, examples, meant to get a person thinking about individual experiences and responses, and thus ideas that will best suit them and their given experiences.

before a scene:

• plan scenes ahead of time in order to adequately prepare for possible circumstances; do not just go into the moment head-first (pun not intended >>) when dealing with mental and emotional complexities because it can leave one caught off-guard should something go off-kilter
• prepare soothing or comforting things for each individual involved for easy access after the scene (or possibly during, depending on circumstance), such as calming scents or hot water ready for a favorite kind of tea.
• plan out ahead of time how individuals participating should respond in given situations such as flashbacks or sudden changes in emotion
• if preferable, only do scenes with people one knows and trusts, and thus individuals who are more likely to know how to respond to unexpected emotional changes (i say if preferable because some individuals may feel comfortable with doing scenes with people they don’t know as well based on rational confidence with their emotional stability, which is perfectly valid)
• if possible, try to keep scenes confined to where the people involved feel both comfortable and familiar
• for subs: if one has prior experience with sub space/drop and how it affects them, take into consideration these effects and behaviors or mindsets that can have notable impact or possible hazardous results (personal example: i dissociate heavily while in sub space, making me less aware of hazardous surroundings, esp. in regards to my physical disabilities. i can also find myself in a mindset where i will be willing to serve even in ways that are triggering for me due to past trauma, thus making me more prone to flashbacks and panic attacks if i pull out of sub space suddenly and realize this connection. i also have a tendency to strip completely, which may not exactly be a viable option depending on things like weather or environment). if possible, let others involved aware of these possibilities in case they need to respond or intervene.

during a scene:

• have options for emergency outs such as safe words/signals, red light/green light (pay close attention to yellow if brought up, as this can be a major flag), or objects at hand to drop, tug or ring at necessary stop or warning points such as a ball or a small bell
• periodically ask for input of the other people involved regarding their overall mental state, to know whether to keep going, to be cautious or to end the scene
• pay attention to possible warning signals or behavioral changes that may indicate a change in mental state in the individuals involved (this tends to be easier with people that know each other well, as every person’s body language and trigger signals are different)
• if someone is in sub space, do not take full advantage of this in hazardous ways. this includes having them submit or serve in dangerous ways or ways that could trigger them, esp. if warning signs have been present prior.

after a scene:

• make use of things that people involved find comforting (some of which can be prepared ahead of time) in order to help bring oneself into a state of calm and contentment
• if applicable, remind the people involved of how one cares about or loves one another to help avoid feelings of loneliness or abandonment that can lead to sub/dom drop
• cuddles and snuggles can be totally awesome here, and help give a feeling of comfort and reminder of care
• do not just stop abruptly and move on to doing something else – this can very easily lead to sub/dom drop as no aftercare is aiding in coming down from the intensity of one’s mental state and the scene itself

but the most important thing i can say is be aware. pay mind to everything around you, both one’s surroundings and the language and behaviors of the people involved. otherwise one can miss important cues that can result in emotional episodes, and they can be harder to respond to. and pay mind to the people’s responses to various things, both during the scene and not, in case one needs to change how they react to episodes or emergencies in case they occur. try to stay calm if possible, try to avoid panic if possible, and remember that people are people that need to be treated with respect, and that everyone is different and has their own struggles to face and what helps with them. they are still the same people you knew before, and being emovatypical is a part of who they are – respect this and treat them that way. and recognize that it’s not a matter of them just being overemotional or oversensitive. it is who they are, an intricate part of their being, and thus a part of their overall wellbeing. they just happen to have kink and subby tendencies to go with it :)

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1. the reasoning for this wording is because i do not feel as if sub or dom space are specific to those who identify strictly as submissive or dominant, and thus that they can be experienced by anyone who identifies with submissive or dominant periods such as switches.

Kinky Disability: This Dangerous Line I Walk

Tags

BDSM, blog carnivals, DID, disability, kink, mental health, mental illness, neurodiversity, personal, relationships, sexuality

This post is my submission for March’s Blog Carnival of Mental Health, regarding the unique connection between my mental health, sexuality and its impact on my relationship.

NOTE: This post is about the use of age play to recover and reclaim sexual assault. For victims and survivors of childhood sexual assault, age play is a form of edge play – and rightfully so. If age play is triggering for you, DO NOT READ THIS POST. As the title suggests, this is a very fine line and what works for me is not something I encourage for those it harms. I do not endorse the use of edge play as reclamation of assault for others, that is an independent decision based on one’s judgment of their own mental health and what they can handle.

I will also be ruling comments on this post with an iron fist. If you seek to deride me or others for the consensual decisions we make for ourselves, there will be no mercy. This is my safety zone. Do not take advantage of that.

Like so many folks with DID, I experienced abuse and assault throughout my childhood and adolescent years. That’s what resulted in its development – and likely the development of my Schizotypal as well. For years my immediate response was to avoid anything and everything that reminded me of what happened, even if the reminder wasn’t anywhere close to the actual events. And yet, despite all of my efforts to forget and avoid, things weren’t improving. I would get flashbacks, I was paranoid and distrustful of family and friends alike, and could not enjoy sex despite all of my efforts to. Detached from my body and surroundings, the world was in a fog, and I constantly felt isolated, alone with my internal demons that few knew even existed, let alone cared about.

Eventually, as I perused through the internet I came across two things that changed everything for me: BDSM and the Adult Baby/Diaper Lovers (AB/DL) community. Further exploration of these brought me to learn more about the effects past abuse had on my mental health and sexuality, coming to terms with that and reclaiming it for myself.

While people may be more or less familiar with BDSM (although the misconceptions and stereotyping pursue), AB/DL is something that is generally unheard of. In essence, it is a response to a natural habit that some people have to regress to a younger form of themselves. It is an outlet for people who derive comfort and child-like enjoyment from things that make them feel safe, like soft blankets, stuffed animals, and movies or shows from their childhood. A part of themselves identifies as a much younger age than the world around them considers them to be based on chronological age of the body, or what’s considered to be ‘adult’ responsibilities like working and paying bills. Not only is that assumption rather ageist and ties in with the social division of adulthood, adolescence and childhood, but it throws a lot of people into a social assignment that they’re just not comfortable with.

Now, this can be for any number of reasons. I will clarify, and adamantly back, that age regression is not a sign of an abusive history. While they may be related for a specific individual based on their experiences and journey in life, such as myself, for many regression reveals itself without any form of abuse in the person’s life. I would liken it to a form of dissociation, which is a natural coping method for many people even without the presence of dissociative disorders. Likewise, interest and identification with the BDSM community is not a sign of an abusive history. And a point that people are frequently confused on: BDSM and AB/DL are not related, nor is AB/DL sexual (I’ll expand on this more later).

However, on the flip side of all of this, there definitely are people who turn to things like BDSM as a form of reclamation, in order to turn the nastiness and harm that was directed at them in life into something positive, enjoyable, something that will help them heal and move on. This is an important distinction – while some may utilize BDSM and age regression as a form of reclamation for themselves, not everyone is a part of them or utilize them because of this. Everyone has their own reasoning and their own journeys.

In my particular journey, I explored age regression and AB/DL in-depth because I could feel its connection to me at my core, though I didn’t know why. It gave me a reason to grow comfortable with this aspect of myself that I had been ignoring for so long, not even aware that it existed although it appeared for others that made me aware later.

It was a few years later that I learned the reason behind my age regression. Dissociation, or in my case, Dissociative Identity Disorder. My past experiences pushed me through and past childhood at a much faster rate than what was healthy for me. The progression of my dissociation in response to these experiences ‘hid’ that abandoned childhood within me, where it could be experienced later in ways it wasn’t able to be before. For a while, it was unintentional – I couldn’t control my regression and it resulted in the development of another alter, one with the identity of a young toddler. Once I learned of his existence, the lot of us started to work together to arrange for safe environments where he could express himself, even when we didn’t fully understand the extent of us being a ‘we’. For one reason or another, a part of us knew that it was within our best interest to keep him feeling safe, comfortable and fulfilled. We also knew, from our experiences with the AB/DL community, that the denial of his existence and comfort (as it seemed so many psychology journals suggested we do) was not healthy for us. Our system was not ready for the abandonment of our prematurely halted childhood.

There is a large part of me that isn’t fully acknowledged by AB/DL, though. As much of my abuse was sexual, be it assault or harassment, these experiences have warped many of my responses to regression into something sexual. As AB/DL emphasizes that their concept, identity and thus community are not sexual in nature, it left this part of me unaddressed. This is dangerous, as that left us open to future sexual abuse should someone uncaring figure things out. So how do we prevent this?

By acknowledging the source of these responses, accepting them as a part of us as a whole, and turning them into something we had control over experiencing. Enter age play, utilization of age regression and props through BDSM. In BDSM age play can be used to emphasize the dynamics of dominance and submission within a relationship or particular scene. This is important to me, as I’ve placed myself into a position of submission full time through accepting Him as my Dom and His power over me. Learning to utilize age play means that I can combine these responses with a lifestyle and environment that I am comfortable with and feel safe in, under the watchful eye and guiding hand of someone I trust to protect me if things go wrong.

And they can go wrong, very quickly. That’s why this line I walk, between the experiences of my assault and reclamation of it, is so dangerous – because at any given moment, that connection of safety and submission can disappear, leaving me reliving my experiences while regressed. While we do have internalized defenses that can respond to this, the fact that it must first respond still remains, meaning that during the time between then any form of endless damage can still be done. Which is why it’s so important to me to only allow sexuality and regression to intermingle while in an environment where this will not be taken advantage of. Due to the combination of my experiences and my mind’s response to it, the possibilities are vast. But possibilities are just that, only possibilities. The more I learn about myself, the more control I develop over my environment and the more I learn to advocate for myself and my health, the less likely these possibilities are to become reality. Finding myself triggered from a given situation can be recovered from, if properly addressed. Finding myself in a situation where this part of me is taken advantage of for someone else’s gain – that’s not so simple. I’d like to avoid that.

Kinky Disability: Finding My Limits

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, personal, safety, sexuality

I haven’t written for this series in a while. Things have been…. I’m not sure what the word for it would be. Progressing, as I move forward with proper treatment for my disabilities and yet in a sense, disheartening as I learn throughout the days that the things I greatly enjoy may not be things I can continue doing. A trip to the osteopath to fix my ribs after they’ve been shifted out of place for years and for the third time within the past 12 is what hammered this in for good. Simply because due to my current inability to exercise without high levels of pain and fatigue, even stretching can cause shifting of things that ought not to be shifted – the muscles and tendons around my joints are that weak.

Originally I was going to write at some point about learning how to explore rope play and other forms of restriction when dealing with joint conditions as I traveled forward through that path. But now it’s coming to show that this simply isn’t workable for me. It’s too dangerous, too high a risk of further injury.

Instead, throughout the years as I come to terms with the other things in life that I have to adjust and become used to due to better awareness of my limits, I need to extend that coming to terms with my sex life and being kink. It’ll be hard, but it’s a journey. It’s still a part of who I am and there are things that are viable for me, it’s just a matter of learning what those are and accepting them.

Kinky Disability: Of Unconventional Chores

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, personal, relationships, self acceptance

As the days go by, one of the things I’m learning over time is to find happiness and satisfaction in the little things.

As mentioned in a previous entry, I’m in a power exchange relationship. Depending on how one defines it, we sort of balance between D/s and M/s. One of the common elements is chores or services offered from the submissive to the Dominant. These tend to include things like cooking and cleaning, which can be very hard on the body and mind – especially for someone with disabilities. On top of that, if you have disabilities that vary in effect or severity over the course of the year, you may have to adjust how you approach chores or which ones you’re able to do.

I got a nice, hard lesson in this earlier this month.

The weekend of the 16th He came up to visit me for our anniversary the week prior. We both enjoy cooking so we made a meal for my family on my day off from work. Problem being, not only is it fall up in the cold, rural north where I live but I was also still recovering from food poisoning I got from going out to lunch the Saturday prior. Let it be known that food poisoning and IBS is a bad combination. So bad that I wound up having to go home within two hours of my shift at work that day. Yeah. But we only had a few days together and I was feeling a bit better, watching and pacing myself, taking meds as needed for nausea and gas. I made pasta con le sarde (linked to me by the wonderful site What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?) and He made a beef, chicken and vegetable stew. The process went well, but eventually my disabilities caught up to me and I spent the rest of the evening in bed floating in and out of sleep. Ordinarily cooking wouldn’t use up all of my spoons like that, but we had gone out grocery shopping earlier in the day as well as a date, and that was on top of the whole food poisoning + fall thing. So I was quite thoroughly wiped by the end of the day. He’s since concluded that I’m not to expend all of my spoons like that just because I want to treat Him to something nice since my health is to come first.

So since then, I’ve been looking at other things that I can do for Him that doesn’t use as much of my energy or cause pain. This is actually an idea I’ve taken from a former sub of mine who was also disabled and couldn’t do many of the conventional chores either, or at least not to usual degrees. They did, however, regularly make my morning coffee or order it to my liking when out in public (since I didn’t and still don’t feel comfortable communicating with sales clerks and cashiers), holding my drink up for me periodically when I was gaming (since I tend to forget about them and drinking is kind of important, as is coffee), carry my cane for me in case I needed it while we were out, or eat the candies I didn’t like so I would always have access to the ones I did. Little things that people typically wouldn’t pay much mind to. But they took enjoyment and satisfaction out of it anyway because it was a way that they could serve me even when they couldn’t do other things people are accustomed to within the D/s, M/s and BDSM communities. And that is what mattered.

I’ve never really had a set list of “chores” from Him; our relationship isn’t as structured as many since my disabilities are so variable and He’s still coming to terms with the elements of power exchange. Not only that but He enjoys a lot of the same chores, so it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to have it be my responsibility when sometimes we enjoy doing it together. So I have to teach myself to look at the situation in a different light, pulling away from the idea of specific structure that I’ve grown accustomed to in the D/s and M/s communities and seeing things from a more abstract point of view. Noticing the little things I can do for Him, even if they’re not made explicit. Like wrapping my arm around Him when we’re in public to assure Him that I’m safe, or taking care of His auctions for Him on World of Warcraft since I seem to be naturally good at working with game economies (don’t ask me why, I haven’t the slightest idea). Things that people wouldn’t typically notice because they too focus on the structure. But the structure is not the focus but the result. What matters is that the people involved enjoy it and achieve that internal satisfaction – no matter the how.

Kinky Disability: Of Abuse, Running Away and Erasure

Tags

ableism, BDSM, disability, disability erasure, kink, neurodiversity

Massive trigger warnings for discussion of sexual and physical abuse of people with disabilities. Links and the comments wherein are not safe spaces, and do include graphical description of the abuse.  Remember, your wellbeing is most important.

Sidenote: Due to the risk involved, I will not be linking the indictment anywhere in this post or on this blog. Do not ask me to do so, as that will be asking me to put other people’s health on the line. And that is a no-no here.

Also, a big thanks to Anna for bringing this up and pointing it out to me. Seriously, you are awesome. <3

Right now Edward Bagley from Missouri and four other men are facing several felony charges related to the years of sexual abuse of a young woman with disabilities. And the internet is abuzz.

Guess what the focus is on.

Hint: it’s certainly not the fact that she’s mentally disabled – in fact, this is being erased and pushed as irrelevant. Even doubted, when considering the words of Marcus, the photographer of the Taboo magazine cover she was featured on. When asked about it by TheWrap, he commented, “They say she was of diminished mental capacity, we never saw that whatsoever. She seemed to be bright, intelligent and in control, able to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’.”

Nope, the focus is on what this means for the BDSM community.

I’m sorry, what?

Okay. I get that cases that involve common BDSM practices tend to be detrimental to the community as a whole, because it contributes to society’s perception of BDSM as harmful, dangerous and abusive. I get that the community’s response to such situations is, well, to defend themselves.

What I don’t get is the appropriation of problems that are far too common for a minority in order to make these points, to erase the experiences of this oppressed minority in favor of making this point, to the point of even doubting whether or not the individual is a part of it!

Abuse of people with disabilities is astonishingly common. We are still othered, perceived as freaks, and people can and do react violently to that – be it physically, verbally, emotionally or otherwise. It becomes even more common with women with disabilities, due to the intersectionality of abuse due to sexism and ableism. And don’t even get me started on the abuse of women with cognitive or mental disabilities (or the fact that there’s so little information about it out there in the first place), or minors with disabilities.

Oh, and does anyone remember the fact that this woman was an endangered runaway? She ran away from foster care, of which has a higher rate of child abuse to begin with, and I can only imagine what the abuse rate is like for children with disabilities in foster care or adopted homes (I say imagine because, much to my lack of surprise, I can’t find a whole lot of information about that either – though considering past news reports…..).

People mention the possibility that this woman has consented to the relationship and that many of the activities, of which are commonly practiced in the BDSM community, are possibly being used by the FBI to sensationalize the case in the eyes of the general public who are not familiar with these practices.

But let me tell you a little something about endangered runaways: we’re not necessarily rational. If we’re running away from a situation that was abusive, and thus running out of fear, that’s going to have a serious impact on one’s mental health and ability to reason regarding the consent to BDSM and especially edge play. And if one is also dealing with mental disabilities, the stress and fear of running away from such a terrifying and damaging situation has an even stronger impact. Which leads to higher risk of coercion and sexual and/or physical abuse.

And even if she had consented initially (which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense in of itself considering she was a minor and thus couldn’t legally consent to BDSM practices anyway), the fact that she tried to escape shows revocation of former consent.

And since we’re on the topic of consent, I want to address a particular segment of the article Not What We Do, written in response to the situation by Thomas MacAulay Millar:

She has some kind of mental disability, says the prosecutor. This may be highly relevant. This may be largely irrelevant. People with disabilities are vulnerable to and targeted for abuse at very high rates. However, we don’t know enough to know what this means because we don’t know anything about her disability. I don’t think it is possible to make any broad declaration about consent from that. The depressed, the anxious, folks with learning disabilities, aspies and autistic spectrum folks, are usually sexual beings and may be kinky. Being neurodiverse, to use one term, does not make one incapable of consent.

This is a red herring. For one, we don’t need to know (nor do we have the right to know, why exactly do we have to know her medical history again?) what her disability is, or the details of what it entails. Second, the fact that mental or cognitive disability does not in of itself make one incapable of consent does not mean that the rates of abuse for those with disabilities is irrelevant. Or that the effects of disability in such cases is irrelevant.

When we are dealing with something that is a chronic problem, when dealing with a long (and often invisible) history of increased abuse rates for those with disabilities, it is not irrelevant. In fact, it’s very relevant when cases of reported abuse and the investigation of such come up. Because it’s another sign of an overall problem that needs to be further looked into and addressed. Not only that but through this erasure, abuse victims with disabilities have less access to resources to leave, learn, and heal. And we need those resources just as much as the rest of you all do.

Otherwise things like this will keep happening. It will keep happening, and it will keep getting ignored and erased by the general public focusing on other factors of the situation.

Please understand this. Please understand that we’re subject to abuse as well, possibly at even higher rates, and with limited resources. And please understand that erasure and a lack of concern over this just fuels the problem and makes it harder to overcome, for everyone. We need this awareness. Don’t take that away from us, when our freedom and safety is already taken so frequently.

Kinky Disability: It’s Okay To Be Kink

Tags

BDSM, disability, kink, safety, self acceptance

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a little while now, but haven’t had something to give me enough drive to get me started. As it is National Invisible Illness Awareness Week in the United States, it has given me the drive I need.

Kinky Disability is the start of a new series about the intersections of being kinky while disabled, offering support and safety advice for those with physical or mental health concerns not typically addressed by the BDSM community. This series is open to guest posts to talk about all sorts of disabilities, concerns and workarounds for various kinky activities as well as personal stories and experiences. If you are interested in contributing, feel free to shoot me an email at staticnonsense at live dot com.

I started to get involved with the BDSM community around the same time as I was exploring and beginning to understand more about myself, including the vast diversity of physical and mental health issues that would have to be taken into consideration when participating in scenes, interactions with other kinksters, accessibility to play parties, gatherings, munches…

As I delved deeper and deeper trying to find resources for such things, I found shockingly little. But it’s still a common concern, as I and many others have gotten together and talked about the various possible risks and workarounds amongst each other. Largely because we had to – there were so few resources available to address our concerns and questions that we had to turn to each other. Which can contribute to a more close knit local community, but this leaves such answers inaccessible to everyone outside of that local community, and inaccessible to anyone who cannot get together in such a way.

But what bothered me even more was why there is so little available resources to kinksters with disabilities. An overall lack of support from the BDSM community.

BDSM is risky. There’s a lot of opportunity for things to go wrong, and safety is a huge factor as a result. Conferences and lectures are held around the world talking about the safety concerns of various practices within BDSM. And frequently because of this focus on safety, the idea becomes that if one is disabled and has major health concerns, physical or mental, it becomes even riskier. Too risky, leaving many of us in the dust simply because of aspects of who we are.

Here’s the thing. It’s okay to be kinky.

Even if you have disabilities or chronic illness or past trauma, it’s okay.

People may tell you that it’s too dangerous. Or that you can’t make rational decisions. Or that you’re too unstable.

The fact of the matter is, they say this because in truth they do not know. They don’t know what to say, what to think, what to feel, what to offer you for information or support. It’s a huge grey area for many, and they don’t know how to address it. So they just pass over it instead of admitting this fact.

But the thing about disability is that the person that knows your mind, body and functionality best is you. You know the risks for yourself, what you can and cannot do, whereas others can only guess and speculate.

It’s okay to be kink. It’s okay to be sexual. In a world with disability, everything we do requires extra care and consideration for how it must be done in order for our safety and well-being. Why be in denial of a part of ourselves that requires the same thing as everything else we do? Like so many other things, there are workarounds, innovation, creative thinking and self-awareness. All it takes is application of this. You don’t have to shut it out in yourself, and you don’t have to listen to others insisting you do or shutting you out themselves.

Because at the end of the day, despite all hardships, we’re still disabled and kinky. And that’s okay.