other

Tags

assumptions, cissexism, personal, QUILTBAG, trans erasure

every word you speak
feels like a knife to the chest
every assumption, every erasure
makes me feel alien, like i don’t belong
like i shouldn’t exist
tears come near my eyes, but you cannot see
i cannot let you see, because you isolate me
and you won’t understand
just why you sting me so
i dare not speak up, for fear of those words
the words that seem so benign at first
without meaning, without intention
out of fear that they will change
from lack of concern to laughter
from ignorance to denial
from welcoming to hostility
those tears, they never fade
but they become diamond
encasing my body
shielding me, numbing me
from the poison that is words
from the dagger that is language
wielded by society, culture
and this construct assigned to me
without will, just for existing
for this crime i’ve committed
of attempting to be me
these words, they wash off me
cast to the side, with their roles
and assignments of sex
of femininity and masculinity
of mother or father
of ma’am or sir
and yet, these tears remain
waiting, quietly, for that moment
when i sit alone and see
this form that you gave me
but what should be me.

The Intersections of Mind and Sexuality, and Why I Use “Bisexual”

Tags

ableism, cissexism, disability erasure, mental health, mental illness, neurodiversity, QUILTBAG, self acceptance, sexuality, trans erasure

It’s Celebrate Bisexuality Day today. And I feel like I’m being torn in two.

Part of me really wants to get involved, make it known, say “This is who I am and I’m proud of that” to the world.

The other part of me is still in struggle, like it has been for pretty much all of my sexual years.

I’ve been trying to find a word to describe my sexual attractions ever since I started having them. Probably in large part because I struggled with understanding what they were to begin with. I dunno, I’ve just always had trouble reading that part of myself. I’ve gone through so many terms and identities, from bisexual to gay to pansexual and even asexual, since I had such a hard time determining what sexual attraction was for me, what it felt like, how it separated from amorous attraction, etc.

Coincidentally (or maybe not), this was also around the time that I started exploring the depths of being neuroatypical. Even more so over the last couple of years, when I’ve started learning more about what it exactly entails for me. Probably what effects my perception of sexuality the most is the combination of being unable to perceive and/or understand social norms and the very rigid line of thinking due to being obsessive-compulsive.

The more I explore, the more I come to understand that my mind treats sexuality the same way it does everything else. Things Have Their Place. They have an order. They have compartments, little boxes that everything fits neatly into (until it’s challenged). When certain things are moved, misplaced, mashed together and combined so that they are no longer distinct and clear for me to understand, my mind literally stops because I can’t comprehend it anymore. Everything stops making sense, because they’ve changed from how They Always Are, and these things have been removed from my control, my ability to maintain a grip on how I handle the world around me. My mind stops, and I in turn stop – the world shuts down. This happens with anything from certain food combinations, to my books and games being in the wrong order, to the money in my cash register at work being turned in all the wrong directions and the papers being in the wrong place, to my tea and cooking supplies in the kitchen being moved. Any of this, and more, being altered shatters how I operate.

Whether I like it or not, whether or not I try to challenge and contest it, my mind’s rigid thinking from OCD extends to whether or not I find people sexually attractive. Specifically in terms of body structure, genitalia and sometimes even gender presentation. Despite me constantly mixing and matching elements of what society perceives as masculine and feminine in my presentation, and the fact that how I present and act in response to the world can change so rapidly, my brain has a hard time articulating these concepts in other people. It sees that mixture and halts any processes going on, including sexual arousal. Like how I can’t eat poutine or fish with barbecue sauce, or how I can’t have my movies and my games mixed up, I can’t seem to be sexually attracted to mixtures of traits.

Do I like that? No. Far from it. I’ve tried to counteract it, I’ve tried to step outside of this thinking and become attracted to the actions themselves and not the people involved, I’ve tried ignoring it, I’ve tried acknowledging it as a problem with internalized cissexism and addressing it. And despite all of my efforts, it doesn’t work. My brain still stops. I still lose everything. Can I still act? Yeah, sure. But my connection to it is lost, and it can even cause distress for me depending on the levels of stress I’m under, to be doing something that my mind is trying to tell me is wrong and out of order and out of place.

I need to accept that part of me. I need to accept that I am obsessive-compulsive, that this is how I operate and how I perceive the world. How I need to perceive the world in order for me to function in society and my own home. And part of that acceptance is coming to terms with the term bisexual, and what it means to me linguistically. Because amusingly enough, language is also affected by my rigid thinking, the separation of prefixes and suffixes, and their independent definitions.

To me, the term bisexuality means to be sexually attracted to two specific structures or combination of traits. It doesn’t matter what these structures are – the prefix bi- need not be restricted to the concept of polar opposites or any other specifics. Is this the definition of bisexuality? I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t think anyone knows for sure – the definition is in constant debate, much like many other terms in the English language. But that is how my mind understands language and how it understands the breaking down of this term. Which leads to another part of my internal struggle.

One of the common talking points regarding bisexuality in the queer/QUILTBAG is the social definition and assumptions with the use of the term bisexual. And as I mentioned earlier, the term’s roots in cissexism and the use of the term to reinforce that through erasure of trans* folk. Socially the term is often perceived as referring to sexual attraction to cisgender men and women, people who are female or male assigned at birth and identify with this assignment. This becomes especially problematic when the term is used to mean sexual attraction regardless of gender or body structure – because it ignores the fact that the term stems from the root meaning of “two attractions”, and there are so many more gender identities and presentations and combinations than just that. It’s not uncommon for people to say they’re attracted to people “regardless of gender”, and then really only mean cisgender men and women. And that’s a major ass problem.

But then another problem arises when we try to deconstruct the term and how its used, sometimes to the point of demonizing those that use the term in a different fashion. Especially so when we make the assumption that a person is using the term to mean a certain definition, and trying to tell them “no, you mean [this term]” when no, they may not be referring to that at all. Because then, in attempts to address a problem with socialized oppression of trans* folk and the erasure of both their existence and diversity, we start to erase the possible need for terminology for other reasons. Such as, well, neuroatypicality and how one’s mind operates.

Honestly? I am all for the deconstruction of the term, its history, its definition and its deep roots in cissexism and trans* erasure. Because it is a major ass problem, one that needs to be addressed, especially within the queer/QUILTBAG community and the high levels of infighting. And I say go for it – I’ll be with you. But in the meanwhile, I’ll still be stuck on my end, struggling to come up with a term to describe my attractions and how it coincides with my mind’s perception of the world, but doesn’t include such problems.

If anyone has suggestions that I can look into, please, comment! I am all open.

I Am Not: Your Hipster Punchline

Tags

cissexism, I Am Not, privilege, QUILTBAG, social conflicts, trans issues

Note: I am aware that this post is more than a month late. It had been originally started on March 29th, and since then I have not had the spoons to continue working on it. Like I mentioned on Twitter, I am aware that me choosing to post this despite it being so late could be seen as done in poor taste. But problematic behaviors and attitudes are still problematic even if time passes, especially if no adequate closure to the situation is achieved. Especially if that lack of closure is given through silencing techniques. I’m not going to let myself be silenced. Take that as you will.

Edit 2/3/2011: I’m changing around some of the terms I used to ones that are more inclusive. Fell into old habits when I wrote this, which is not cool. So yeah, apologies and fixing it up.

I was reading a web comic the other day. I thought it was pretty neat, very kink-friendly seeing as it was about someone learning the ropes (pun not intended) of professional dominance and submission in a dungeon environment. But, unfortunately, everything has its problems.

Currently running is a short story arc about trans people being denied employment at the artist’s work place. This in itself isn’t what’s problematic. What’s problematic is how this is being addressed.

First was the portrayal of the trans person in the comic. The artist drew the character in a fashion that would purposefully give away them being trans. Being portrayed as a trans woman, the most defining characteristics the artist included was stubble from where the character had to shave, and chest hair. So when the character asked the main character for an application, she was turned away immediately.

This is stereotyping to the extreme. First of all, being trans is not necessarily “obvious”. Plenty are read as the gender they are presenting as in society, and you would have no idea (edit note: that is, if they’re presenting as any in particular – I don’t, for example). Likewise, there are plenty of cis people that have mixed secondary sexual characteristics such as facial and chest hair. Second, not all trans people are trans women. There are trans men and nonbinary folk out there as well – what would have happened if they had tried to apply? If a trans man that didn’t “pass” to these people applied, would they be permitted to?

After this, we have how the trans woman was turned away. Specifically, by insistence that she is not a “real” woman.

Yes, these specific words were used.

When called on this, the artist commented on how if she had used anything else, there wouldn’t have been any punch line. That she could have gone with “women born women”, but then it wouldn’t have been funny, no one would get it, it wouldn’t have the same ring to it, etc etc etc. Because clearly, her punch lines are more important than not giving in to social pressure. Because clearly, when put into comic form, the situations that happen to trans people every day when trying to find employment to survive are funny.

That’s awfully hipster of you, dontcha think? Can you hear me laughing?

Then, moving away from the comic itself and instead the artist’s specific behavior, we have the use of the slur tranny in reference to trans people. Not only that, but the defense of said usage of slur word when called upon it by multiple people in the comments of her strip. Including “the people I know refer to themselves that way!”, “I didn’t intend anything negative!”, “I’m not politically correct!” and “you can’t please everyone, so if you don’t like it don’t read it”.

All while ignoring the reasons why these defenses are a problem, reasons that were pointed out to her.

Now, before people point this out – problematic usage or portrayal can be forgiven. The direct problem is not necessarily in the usage itself, but the attitude behind the original usage and any further defense of it.

People, there is nothing wrong with owning up to mistakes. All you have to do is listen to the reasoning people are giving you for why your behaviors might be problematic, understanding them and apologizing. Put the ego down for a second, especially if the people calling you out are trying to do so in a polite and reasonable fashion.

Either way, this scenario could have been salvaged. All it would have taken was a moment of humble humility and respect. Scripts can be written months in advance, yes. But scripts can also be changed, unnecessary story arcs can be removed or even just an apology posted and quick edits to previous news posts. Hell, I would have appreciated any effort put into rectifying one’s mistakes.

Needless to say, I will not be recommending this comic to people in the future, especially to other trans folk. Mistakes happen and can be forgiven. But silencing techniques and the defense of one’s actions further feeds the cycle of systematic oppression that is all too familiar. And when someone is specifically trying to point out to you that your actions are feeding into this systematic oppression? The irony isn’t funny or cool. It really only further proves the point being made, even if you yourself can’t see it.

I Am Not: Blogging for Choice

Tags

cissexism, I Am Not, trans erasure, transphobia

This is my big fuck you to you.

Are you going to assume I’m pro-life? Anti-choice? Against women?

That’s the one that pisses me off right now.

Against women.

How about some fucking exposure for other female assigned at birth (FAAB) individuals? Why the assumption that FAAB equals woman? Why the assumption that woman equals FAAB? Why the assumption that life adheres to these arbitrary rules that society has determined, that uterus equals childbirth equals woman and testes equals sperm granter equals man?

What about the FAAB transgender people that get raped? Are their choices not to be trusted?

Or how about if they’re denied medical treatment from physicians that are transphobic and don’t believe we exist or even shouldn’t?

Or those that reverse, halt or pause their transition, be it FTM or nonbinary, in order to have children?

Or the nonbinaries – the androgynes, genderqueer, genderfluid, agendered, intergendered, bigendered and countless others – whose very existence is erased and tossed aside by the cissexual and transgender communities alike?

Why the fuck are we being ignored? Why are we not up for your consideration? Why do we have to plea to you just to have our right to choice of reproduction represented? Why do we have to shout to be heard as our peers are raped, abused, manipulated and killed when so many of us, our friends, family, neighbors, fellow people don’t seem to give a damn?

Since when is the right to reproductive freedom, the right to choice, only a right for women and not for people?

Just how many of you care?