It’s Celebrate Bisexuality Day today. And I feel like I’m being torn in two.
Part of me really wants to get involved, make it known, say “This is who I am and I’m proud of that” to the world.
The other part of me is still in struggle, like it has been for pretty much all of my sexual years.
I’ve been trying to find a word to describe my sexual attractions ever since I started having them. Probably in large part because I struggled with understanding what they were to begin with. I dunno, I’ve just always had trouble reading that part of myself. I’ve gone through so many terms and identities, from bisexual to gay to pansexual and even asexual, since I had such a hard time determining what sexual attraction was for me, what it felt like, how it separated from amorous attraction, etc.
Coincidentally (or maybe not), this was also around the time that I started exploring the depths of being neuroatypical. Even more so over the last couple of years, when I’ve started learning more about what it exactly entails for me. Probably what effects my perception of sexuality the most is the combination of being unable to perceive and/or understand social norms and the very rigid line of thinking due to being obsessive-compulsive.
The more I explore, the more I come to understand that my mind treats sexuality the same way it does everything else. Things Have Their Place. They have an order. They have compartments, little boxes that everything fits neatly into (until it’s challenged). When certain things are moved, misplaced, mashed together and combined so that they are no longer distinct and clear for me to understand, my mind literally stops because I can’t comprehend it anymore. Everything stops making sense, because they’ve changed from how They Always Are, and these things have been removed from my control, my ability to maintain a grip on how I handle the world around me. My mind stops, and I in turn stop – the world shuts down. This happens with anything from certain food combinations, to my books and games being in the wrong order, to the money in my cash register at work being turned in all the wrong directions and the papers being in the wrong place, to my tea and cooking supplies in the kitchen being moved. Any of this, and more, being altered shatters how I operate.
Whether I like it or not, whether or not I try to challenge and contest it, my mind’s rigid thinking from OCD extends to whether or not I find people sexually attractive. Specifically in terms of body structure, genitalia and sometimes even gender presentation. Despite me constantly mixing and matching elements of what society perceives as masculine and feminine in my presentation, and the fact that how I present and act in response to the world can change so rapidly, my brain has a hard time articulating these concepts in other people. It sees that mixture and halts any processes going on, including sexual arousal. Like how I can’t eat poutine or fish with barbecue sauce, or how I can’t have my movies and my games mixed up, I can’t seem to be sexually attracted to mixtures of traits.
Do I like that? No. Far from it. I’ve tried to counteract it, I’ve tried to step outside of this thinking and become attracted to the actions themselves and not the people involved, I’ve tried ignoring it, I’ve tried acknowledging it as a problem with internalized cissexism and addressing it. And despite all of my efforts, it doesn’t work. My brain still stops. I still lose everything. Can I still act? Yeah, sure. But my connection to it is lost, and it can even cause distress for me depending on the levels of stress I’m under, to be doing something that my mind is trying to tell me is wrong and out of order and out of place.
I need to accept that part of me. I need to accept that I am obsessive-compulsive, that this is how I operate and how I perceive the world. How I need to perceive the world in order for me to function in society and my own home. And part of that acceptance is coming to terms with the term bisexual, and what it means to me linguistically. Because amusingly enough, language is also affected by my rigid thinking, the separation of prefixes and suffixes, and their independent definitions.
To me, the term bisexuality means to be sexually attracted to two specific structures or combination of traits. It doesn’t matter what these structures are – the prefix bi- need not be restricted to the concept of polar opposites or any other specifics. Is this the definition of bisexuality? I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t think anyone knows for sure – the definition is in constant debate, much like many other terms in the English language. But that is how my mind understands language and how it understands the breaking down of this term. Which leads to another part of my internal struggle.
One of the common talking points regarding bisexuality in the queer/QUILTBAG is the social definition and assumptions with the use of the term bisexual. And as I mentioned earlier, the term’s roots in cissexism and the use of the term to reinforce that through erasure of trans* folk. Socially the term is often perceived as referring to sexual attraction to cisgender men and women, people who are female or male assigned at birth and identify with this assignment. This becomes especially problematic when the term is used to mean sexual attraction regardless of gender or body structure – because it ignores the fact that the term stems from the root meaning of “two attractions”, and there are so many more gender identities and presentations and combinations than just that. It’s not uncommon for people to say they’re attracted to people “regardless of gender”, and then really only mean cisgender men and women. And that’s a major ass problem.
But then another problem arises when we try to deconstruct the term and how its used, sometimes to the point of demonizing those that use the term in a different fashion. Especially so when we make the assumption that a person is using the term to mean a certain definition, and trying to tell them “no, you mean [this term]” when no, they may not be referring to that at all. Because then, in attempts to address a problem with socialized oppression of trans* folk and the erasure of both their existence and diversity, we start to erase the possible need for terminology for other reasons. Such as, well, neuroatypicality and how one’s mind operates.
Honestly? I am all for the deconstruction of the term, its history, its definition and its deep roots in cissexism and trans* erasure. Because it is a major ass problem, one that needs to be addressed, especially within the queer/QUILTBAG community and the high levels of infighting. And I say go for it – I’ll be with you. But in the meanwhile, I’ll still be stuck on my end, struggling to come up with a term to describe my attractions and how it coincides with my mind’s perception of the world, but doesn’t include such problems.
If anyone has suggestions that I can look into, please, comment! I am all open.
Comments
*Whether I like it or not, whether or not I try to challenge and contest it, my mind’s rigid thinking from OCD extends to whether or not I find people sexually attractive. Specifically in terms of body structure, genitalia and sometimes even gender presentation. Despite me constantly mixing and matching elements of what society perceives as masculine and feminine in my presentation, and the fact that how I present and act in response to the world can change so rapidly, my brain has a hard time articulating these concepts in other people. It sees that mixture and halts any processes going on, including sexual arousal. Like how I can’t eat poutine or fish with barbecue sauce, or how I can’t have my movies and my games mixed up, I can’t seem to be sexually attracted to mixtures of traits.*
This is incredibly cissexist and problematic. Trans people are no more “mixtures of traits” than are cis people.
Furthermore, categorically saying you are not attracted to trans people presumes that you can TELL who is trans– more cissexism, in a big way.
I hear that you are talking about this from the perspective of your OCD. I acknowledge that I am pretty much neurotypical and don’t know what that’s like. It’s just… I don’t think you’re claiming to be incapable of overcoming your cissexism because of your disability… right? Because that is just really problematic.
Honestly I don’t care if you’re attracted to trans people. But the reasons for which you claim NOT to be attracted to trans people are faulty and based on stereotypes and incredibly cissexist thinking. Again: You Can’t Always Tell Who Is Trans, and many of us are not the least bit “androgynous,” or “mixtures…”
Back to that “mixture” thing. It gets more offensive the more I think about it. We are not “combinations” of cis male and cis female. We’re a thing in our own right, full human beings, not “mixtures” of traits that belong to others which we appropriate for our own nefarious means. We are not hybrids or bastardizations. Some of us are Just Men, some are Just Women, and some of us are Just People Otherwise Gendered who don’t seem themselves as having ANYTHING to do with the male-female binary, thanks very much, much less being composed of it.
You present many valid points, Thrasher. Indeed, the article would suggest a very binary line of thinking – that all things shall fall within two (as the prefix bi- implies) categories. Should they act otherwise, calamity or conflict shall ensue.
You are also right in your final statement. Society is too driven on focusing on A or B. Many times, often the worst of times, there is no middle ground, and all answers presented – sometimes to the most controversial of topics – is resolved in simple black and white. What of gray? Of C? Of the middle ground that can satisfy both sides sometimes with little to no conflict. Yes, you present a very valid point – there is no lie in that.
I shall call your attention upon the OCD segment, then. To a mind that must – if you will, compelled to – compartmentalize all things, categorize and neatly list all subjects, terms, and anecdotes into appropriate categories, what is one to do? I do not contest your ideals; I do not wish to start a war; and I certainly do not wish the full wrath of the community you represent and uphold so thoroughly, but rather, I simply ask for a suggestion. Assuming I am also stricken with OCD – compelled to categorize, label, and place my world into neat, little piles within piles, what am I to do?
Surely, the first suggestion is to stop – of which I hope you’re not going to say, and nor do I feel I need to explain why. Secondly, what if I can’t just create a “third” compartment or label? From an early age to what may as well be the end of my times, society has streamlined endless amounts of propaganda that limit my thought process to simply binary. What if telling me to make a “third” label is the same as telling me to grow a third arm – now trying to define “left”, “right”, and “something else”. And in that event, doing so would also contradict your other valid point: there shouldn’t be a male or female – only people.
From you and unto me, tell me of what suggestions you may have. I daresay, I might be stuck in the same though process, too, but I wish to be no longer.
I’m going to go ahead and try to respond to this, though what I say right now may not be terribly clear because I have a massive headache and it’s making me all fuzzy. So I apologize in advance if I don’t make much sense.
I’m also going to apologize for any possible confusion my use of language may have caused. Language and communication is something I struggle greatly with and I’m frequently using words and grammar differently than how others do, neurotypical or not.
Right now I think the problem is that I’m having difficulty articulating a concept that is abstract in my head into words that have defined meanings, be they definition or social understanding. When I wrote this post I wasn’t referring to trans people. I’m not saying that I’m not attracted to trans people. Rather, I think what I’m trying to say is more along the lines of “I’m attracted to two specific concepts”. And these concepts have nothing to do with whether a person is trans or cis – in my mind’s world, they exist outside of that. Unfortunately I don’t know how I can possibly explain what these concepts are. It took me years to finally make sense of the thoughts that make up this attraction of concepts due to the nature of schizotypy, and I’m certain it would take even longer to try to put it into words.
I’m sorry that my wording offended you. I do understand the perspective you’re coming from, and as I grow to understand and accept my own gender identity and presentation it’s something I’m constantly challenging and trying to come to terms with. And through that growth and understanding of my own gender identity, it’s extending to my understanding of my sexuality. I’m hoping that at some point, I can get past this constant struggle to try to apply words to these identities of mine and simply be.
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